Somehow in the flurry of work, life, and avoiding the horrors of the world, I forgot to release my special Oscars list of all the times I cried (or did not!) while watching the past year’s Best Picture nominees. That’s right, it’s (past) time for the 3rd Annual Movie that Made Me Cry the Most Awards! Let me preface this list with a disclaimer that this was not a good year for making me cry (do better, movies!). That, or my blood has gotten colder. Hard to tell at this juncture. Typically, the nominees tend to be real bummers or have a natural emotional gravitas at its core, but this year most were going for something different. There were attempts to be uplifting, or satirical, or just a reminder that, yeah, Queen made good music…we knew this! No need to make a movie telling us! There were no Manchester By The Seas or Call Me By Your Names…but a couple were close. And this year there will be a slight twist given that I can factor in the results from last night’s telecast. So, let’s get into it. Here’s my ranking of the cry-iest movies, on a scale from “I feel nothing” (0) to “Holy crap, I’m going to die from dehydration” (10). Also, I do not shy away from profanity or revealing key plot details, so read at your own risk!
This movie is a mess. It doesn’t know what kind of movie it wants to be. Satire? Drama? Slapstick comedy? I could almost cry from the eerily spot-on makeup job, as well as having to be reminded about how much Dick Cheney sucks, but alas, I did not cry. 0/10 Cries
8. Green Book
Ugh. Can I pass on my own list? Mahershala Ali is really great at what he was asked to do in this film—there’s no doubt that he is one of the greats in this business (just watch his “old age” acting in True Detective season three, it’s a sight to behold). But man, this is a very tidy movie about a racist guy who solves all of his racist thoughts by the end of the movie! It has no substance or realism to it, which, quite frankly, I find offensive. Then, there’s the dude who wrote this who sucks, including that time he tweeted anti-Muslim 9/11 conspiracies. This asshole now has more Oscars than Marty Scorsese. SCORSESE! Aaand he has a terrible songwriting career…look. it. up. I could have cried after this was awarded Best Picture last night. Quite frankly it’s soul crushing knowing that so many Academy voters thought this was not just an okay movie, but the best movie of the year. Spare me, please! 0/10 Cries
7. Bohemian Rhapsody
Where do I even begin with this one?! This was also not a good movie! First of all, known pedophile Bryan Singer was hired as the director. That was the movie’s first mistake. Then he got fired from the movie…but not because he is a pedophile. It was because he stopped showing up to set! Besides all that drama, the movie is just a series of “and then this happened and then this happened” all while glossing over the fact that Freddie Mercury is gay (like, they barely touch on that), but then he has AIDS, tells the band (this did not happen this way), then plays the Live Aid concert, which is essentially just a shot-for-shot remake of the actual thing…to which I say, just watch the real thing on YouTube! It really is that great of a concert performance on its own. And don’t even get me started on Rami Malek winning Best Actor when half of his presence on screen is lip-syncing! Sure, his mannerisms are like Freddie’s and he (sort of) looks like Freddie, but no. No to all of this. I’m tempted to say that this movie almost made me cry because it’s starting to make me resent Queen, which is the biggest tragedy of all. Also 0/10 Cries
I really dug this one. John David Washington is great. Adam Driver is great, obvs. Even Topher Grace is great! But didn’t make me cry. Though Spike Lee’s after-party responses to Green Book winning almost made me cry from laughter. 0/10 Cries
5. Black Panther
Okay, here we go. Not only was this the highest-grossing movie of 2018, but it also made me a little teary-eyed. And no, it wasn’t the moment I saw Michael B. Jordan’s chiseled body. It was when Jordan’s Killmonger, a complex antagonist, submits to his defeat and claims how he’d rather die than live a life in chains. That shit got me. 2/10 Cries
4. The Favourite
I did not cry while watching this film, which was my favourite of the year. However, my eyes got a bit moist when Olivia Colman surprisingly (and deservingly) won Best Actress. She is the most delightfully odd person and I stan her and when she got emotional, and then addressed her husband who was emotional…well I got emotional too what do you want from me?? 3/10 Cries
Roma is so beautiful! And at times it is so beautifully sad. You would basically be a monster if you didn’t muster up a few tears watching Cleo deliver her baby in that sterile, emotionless hospital delivery room and then watch her learn that her child is dead. I’m so sorry to bum you all out. 5/10 Cries
2. A Star Is Born
Before I get into the tears, DID YOU SEE THAT PERFORMANCE LAST NIGHT? Fuuuuck. Damn. But, I digress. Y’all, this move is sad! I have never seen an earlier iteration of A Star Is Born so I did not know we were going…there. Sweet Bradley. And that poor dog had such a huge steak to eat, I hope he is okay. But yeah, Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper have really really good chemistry in this, and the crying really stepped up its game when Gaga delivers that heart-wrenching solo performance at the end, looking straight into camera aka your soul. I live for this kind of drama! 7/10 Cries
1. Paddington 2
When Aunt Lucy shows up at the door it was like she was opening the floodgates to my heart…and my tear glands. I also cried when Paddington thinks the Brown family forgot about him and he believes he’s going to be stuck in prison fore—wait, what’s that? This wasn’t nominated for Best Picture? Are you sure? Not even a single award?? Oh. Okay. Um. Well do better next time, Academy voters. You don’t know what you’re missing. Still, 10/10 Cries for me!