This year, instead of ranking the Best Picture Oscar nominees based on my bachelor’s degree in film studies (such a useful degree Mom, I promise!), I’ve decided to do a fun little ranking game based on how much I cried during each screening of the following nine films nominated, and maybe even how much I cried immediately AFTER the movie (I can tell that the suspense is killing you already). The ranking does not necessarily reflect the order of best to worst, but I don’t think I’m spoiling anything by saying Hacksaw Ridge was most certainly the worst movie on this list (Sorry, Mel! JKJK NOT SORRY). Without further ado, I bring you the first edition of “Ranking the 2016 Best Picture Oscar Nominees Based on Lauren’s Tears.”
- Hacksaw Ridge
NO TEARS! I almost cried because of how old and terrifying Hugo Weaving (aka the ageless Elrond) looked in this film, but then, not even five minutes into this war movie you witness some of the most atrocious green screen that has ever been committed to the big screen. Like, it is seriously terrible. It’s also hits ALL of the most stereotypical moments that you would expect from a war movie, yet there are so many better war movies! And then there’s the religion. The religious aspect of this story, that Andrew Garfield’s character is a pacifist and therefore won’t kill on the battlefield—because he hit his brother with a brick when he was younger I guess?—is SO heavy-handed (Thanks, Mel!) that it becomes eye-roll worthy. On paper, this is an amazing story. But again, the green screen is so horrendous at times that it really takes you out of it. That alone almost made me cry. Almost. Don’t even get me started on the gratuitous, exploitative violence. Good luck next time, Mel, because apparently Hollywood has forgiven you. 0/10 Cries for Lauren.
- Hell or High Water
Admittedly, I spent most of the film wondering about the life of Ben Foster (Is he this crazy in real life? What’s it like dating Robin Wright??) and thinking Chris Pine’s eyebrows were just too perfectly shaped for this role. But there was one scene with Jeff Bridges and his cop partner that made me a bit teary-eyed, but no spoilers here! 1/10 Cries.
How dare you, Denzel. How dare you make Viola Davis cry. And when Viola Davis cries, we all cry. OK, I didn’t really cry. But I did well up during that pivotal scene in the backyard. She had snot coming out of her whatever for crying out loud! The rest of the movie almost made me cry, but only because I wanted to cry out of frustration of watching almost two and a half hours of unrealistic dialogue, Denzel being a major dick, and waiting for that goddamn fence to be built. If I could have jumped into the screen I would’ve built that fence myself. I did not particularly enjoy this play, er, movie. 2/10 Cries. I’m sure the play is great.
- Hidden Figures
This movie is a bit more “by the books,” but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I teared up at Janelle Monáe’s speech to the judge as she tries to attend an all-white school so that she can be an engineer, and of course during Taraji P. Henson’s dramatic speech about having to walk all the way to the other side of the NASA campus to use the colored bathroom. That said, no actual tears fell, just teary-eyed. I was honestly distracted by having to take Jim Parsons seriously. 3/10 Cries.
- La La Land
If you have a 10-minute finale of beautiful music, fun dancing, and colorful sets à la An American in Paris, and add in handsome Ryan Gosling and charming Emma Stone, and then end it in an unexpected way à la Sliding Doors (Yes I did just reference an underrated Gwyneth rom-com), then yeah, you’re gonna make Lauren cry. 5/10 Cries.
- Manchester by the Sea
My god this moving is depressing. You think you know what this movie is going to be about thanks to the trailer: A man returns to his hometown to care for his nephew after his older brother suddenly passes away, and apparently that man has some old beef with Michelle Williams. But no, it gets WAY more depressing than that, just you wait. I will say, in all seriousness, the moment that truly choked me up was a scene with the man (Casey Affleck) and the nephew (Lucas Hedges), when the nephew breaks down while looking through the freezer. That was tough, but felt so realistic for how someone might deal with grief. The tears fell. Then you get extremely emotional moments between Casey and Michelle, and there I go again with the tears. 6/10 Cries. (This could have earned more, but it loses some since Casey allegedly harasses women in real life. So there’s that.)
Moonlight provided a steady stream of tears from start to finish for me, but it was really Act II of the film, when our protagonist is a teenager, that got the heavier, full-bodied cries. The young actor playing teenage Chiron was able to emote so much in his face and body that I was moved to tears. So heartbreaking, yet so beautiful. Everyone in this film was superb. Please give more acting roles to all of these actors, including Janelle Monáe (That’s right, she’s in TWO of the Best Picture nominees. You go, girl!). 8/10 Cries.
The first true tears, two perfect drops on either side, came as tears also streamed down Dev Patel’s beautiful face during a pivotal moment in the middle of the film. But oh man, the mother load of tears to end all tears came at the end of the film. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know how a true story of a young man finding his biological mother (in an entirely different continent!) is going to end. Hint: If it’s a true story and they’ve decided to make a movie about it, it probably is going to have a joyously happy (and yes, melancholy) conclusion. SO MANY HAPPY TEARS. 9/10 Cries.
I’m pretty sure this movie wrecked me. This was a flood of tears. But the real flood hit in the moments (read: hours) after walking out of the theater. I didn’t see the “twist” coming, and when I started putting two and two together, forget it. I was a goner. Amy Adams got robbed for the Best Actress nominee. Never would I have suspected that a movie about faceless heptapod aliens and Jeremy “Hawkeye” Renner would make me cry so goddamn much. For sake if spoilers, I’ll just say that if anything tragic has happened in your life, this movie will make you confront all the hard philosophical questions and dilemmas head on that come with grief and loss. You can have my boyfriend verify that I basically ruined a Friday night because I just. Kept. Crying. 11/10 Cries.