2nd Annual RANKING of THE Year’s BEST PICTURE OSCAR NOMINEES BASED ON MY TEARS

It’s that time of the year again for…the 2nd Annual Movie that Made Lauren Cry the Most Awards! Where I confess all the times I cried (or didn’t cry!) while watching the year’s Best Picture nominees. Now, last year was a big one for my emotions. Let’s face it, we were just a month into Trump’s presidency, which really meant that most of the Oscar movies were seen between the period of the election and one month post-inauguration (basically the worst and most dreaded time period in recent memory—what a fun time for people’s feelings!). Cut to a year later and I am quite possibly dead inside and basically a socialist now. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I’m far more cynical and skeptical than ever before (but don’t worry, it was always there), so finding pleasure in entertainment in the past year was a desperate mission to find joy in something (can I get an Amen! for Star Wars and Thor?!), as well as a year of being super critical of all the BS that’s wrapped into not just Hollywood but all institutions and social constructs (y’all knew about Harvey, admit it!). So, even though I may still get teary-eyed from watching Adam Rippon figure skate or ugly cry while binging the new Queer Eye, something about these movies just didn’t hit the tear mother lode the same way as last year. But alas, I still cried at some and was able to feel *something* along the way to remind myself that I’m still a muppet human being. Here’s my ranking of the cry-iest movies, on a scale from “I feel nothing” (0) to “Holy crap, I’m going to die from dehydration” (10). Please comment below to let me know if Lucas Hedges crying also makes you cry! Oh and quasi-spoilers ahead…

 

  1. Darkest Hour
    Didn’t see it. Don’t want to. There’s another movie that covers the battle of Dunkirk that I’m assuming is far superior and it’s called…wait for it…Dunkirk. -2/10 Cries

 

  1. Phantom Thread
    Also didn’t see it (I promise this is the last one). Maybe I’ll see it some day, and maybe I’ll cry at all the sewing. Who knows! 0/10 Cries

 

  1. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
    This movie is TERRIBLE. If it wins for Best Picture I’m definitely going to send out a Mean Tweet and let everyone know how much I dislike it. Overrated, tone-deaf, and like, people just being racist and bigoted and violent because sure why not. Could ALMOST cry over how stupid it is. 0/10 Cries

 

  1. The Post
    This movie was fine. I liked it. Solid work from Spielberg, but not extraordinary. Contrary to popular opinion, I actually thought this was a great performance from Meryl Streep and deserving of the nomination—and that amazing gold caftan was an added bonus! Yet, no tears from me. 0/10 Cries

 

  1. Get Out
    Now is a good time to mention that the highest number of cries does not necessarily mean it’s my favorite film, because I think Get Out should win Best Picture, but it’s not exactly a tearjerker in the typical sense. However, Daniel Kaluuya is superb and that hypnotizing scene is mesmerizing and emotional as you not only learn about the character’s tragic past but also start to experience the concept of the “sunken place” and its layered meanings. Eyes got a little moist. 2/10 Cries.

 

  1. Dunkirk
    Harry Styles in peril? Cillian Murphy being a coward? Tom Hardy flying a plane and barely understanding what he says?? All of these are facts about Dunkirk. Only one of them made me misty-eyed. All said, this is a great WWII film, and you would have to be a monster to not cry a little during a WWII film…unless that movie is called Darkest Hour, and even more so if you haven’t seen the movie Darkest Hour. 3/10 Cries

 

  1. The Shape of Water
    Look, a mute lady falls in love with a fish man. Richard Jenkins is lonely and has cats with funny names. It’s a romance about marginalized people who just want some goddamn love in their lives. So yeah, it made me cry a little. 4/10 Cries

 

  1. Call Me By Your Name
    My lord, I could almost cry from the Italian scenery alone…and from what that peach endured! But all stone fruit loving aside, what a visually gorgeous film. And lovely performances from Timothée Chalamet and Hello, Armie Hammer! Call me! The story is pretty darn good too—an early 1980s love affair and the pain and yearning of not only your first love and lust but a love and lust you have to hide, all while growing into adulthood? That’s basically the equation for making me cry. 6/10 Cries

 

  1. Lady Bird
    Remember when Lucas Hedges was in last year’s Manchester By the Sea and he has this crying scene and then that made me cry a lot? Well, guess what. Lucas Hedges is in THIS movie and he cries in THIS movie too—it’s like he knows I’m watching and is testing me. And apparently I will fail that test every time. The scene with him in this movie is such a beautiful and unexpected moment and I lost it. And when Laurie Metcalf cries while driving around that loop at the Sacramento airport, I also lost it (and this is from someone who has driven that loop many times…it’s quite a loop!). And yes, I am one of those girls who liked (likes if we’re being honest) Dave Matthews’ “Crash Into Me” and, yes, when the girls in the movie cried to it, I cried a little too. It didn’t help that this movie is set in Sacramento in 2002, which is essentially adjacent to my college experience in Davis in 2005 (20 minutes from Sactown for those not familiar with NorCal geography). Cue all the nostalgic feels. 8/10 Cries

 

Honorable Mention: Arrival 
This movie came out in 2016. I’m still crying. Amy Adams got robbed. The end.

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